Back to work - 29/12

This is an early entry in the day, might update later.

The day didn't start off to good, felt down in the morning. Tried some "meditation" after I got up (around noon, went to bed quite late) - improved mood slightly. Seems I need a somewhat constant stream of reassurance (attention, basically). Might be a symptom of something else wrong much deeper down.

Fuck, this sucks. Just wish I could be 'normal' functional human. Instead, I'm cursed with... I don't even know what to call it. I don't even know who I am or what I'm supposed to be. The years are moving on, I'm staring 30 in the face and I haven't even had a proper relationship (never mind getting intimate). I've applied to so many companies in a field I studied for and am proficient in, but do not enjoy in the slightest.

To summarise, almost 30, alone and poor - thought putting all your time and effort into 'work' would get me somewhere. It got me nowhere, alone. Fuck!

I've tried to put distractions aside, though I find it a bit difficult if I haven't gotten that 'good morning' message - yet again, I don't entirely want it either. We are not the same, nor do we share any similarities. This woman has thrown me off my game entirely.

--

Got a "Let's talk when you get back, enjoy your holiday message". I'm back, but haven't heard anything from them.

He lives in Israel, originally from the US - a genuinely great guy and we see eye-to-eye on many topics. I'm not too sure what he (in a business sense) thinks of me - I hope it's good though.