I’m struggling - 14/05/2026

I’ve never been drunk before in my life - I intend on keeping in that way… woah, what a way to start a journal entry.

So many thoughts are going through my mental nd as I’m writing this, but seem to leave ke the moment I try to focus on one.

The one comes to mind is when I visited Cale Town, we were talking n our way to Cape Point and stopped at a fuel station as I had to go to the bathroom. No idea why this featured but I’m writing it nonetheless. Let’s try to focus on something.

I’m working at a company, this is a company that goes against my morals and values, their business and s focused on gambling, taking advantage of poropels’ weaknesses. Even though I’ve had a number of different of drinks, I get the plural apostrophe right. That’s somehow been a nice indicator of I guess sanity. Morally, I hate taking advantage of weakness - now weakness can take form in many ways, be it one of physical needs, chronic mental reassurance or serving as an emotional anchor for someone else.

Reading over the last paragraph to get back on point, I see my impact at my company has had a positive impact however it does stick in my mind, this information is as useful as a leaf of falling in the ground. Maybe even less significant as that cares some useful information. I.e tree’s branch may be dying to it is the turning of season.

while writing this, I have a nice house mix playing, that is one from YouTube which I’ve become fond of - the music and artist, not the song specifically but tin this case the song lyrics. “Someone else waiting for me” / it implies someone wanting to spend some time with you, someone who wants to hear what you have to say., someone one who is take interest in you, someone who would prioritise you as you them. I feel unfulfilled thinking about this in my current relationship .

I don’t know if it something about a fire but somehow it helps burn away negativity a bit, like an onion; you process an emotion then go to the next, step by step. What keeps coming to mind here is “layers” from Shrek, with its famous quote “ogres have layers”.

I’ve notified while typing this my diction and typin to skills have degraded slight and I’m relying a bit more on autocorrect - so much for the memes.

There are 2 things I wish to discuss:

• my relationship

• my future goals/ my life going forward

Obviously there is distinct difference: that is the 2 are separated. The one is base on something you can control, the other is one which should be navigated- the relationship.

I spoke to someone who does my partners lashes, i was told she doesn’t really like sex and she having had a number of suitors - but this is obviously a desperate for stability, a male role model and someone to constrain - as a human being is capable of much, being constrained with love is meant as a sign of respect, admiration, and understanding . Having had this partially as a man, I understand the why, and the reasons for gowever in my current relationship I feel drained as it seems I’m complete for both attention and (insert word to describe real quality time) .

Further, I’ve recently resigned from mu current position due the immorality of the business in which I find myself. This puts strain on me as I am of the mindset the man should provide as well as having gone through a position where I r have to. Host between eating tomorrow and fand the day after - it puts mne ins difficult position and it makes me worry about how Ai feel about the now and how Ai can become successful in he futurs

Having said the above - my partner who had been with multiple men - we’ve gone weeks and months without being intimate- this has really affected my ego even though “ I have an amazing dick”. Yet she keeps in contact with her ex (or ex-fwb) - life would be simpler being single; I would not have to deal with constant worrying or degradion - let’s face it, unless you’ve gone t kids with your ex, why in Gods green earth should you keep in contact with your ex.

From all if this, I’ve switch off - I’ve become numb and any time conflict occurs, I avoid or absorb and ignore or put out of mind.