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A busy mind - 7/1

I've seemed to adjust me sleep schedule somewhat, though slower than expected it's getting there.

I found had a strange dream, not the first I'd admit about 'Apple'. She keeps popping into my mind, I don't know why. It's getting a bit annoying.

In this dream, I was going to visit her. I was speaking to her on the phone, she said her car is being taken away. As I was approaching her place (a street or 2 away), I saw a tow-truck towing away a 2020'ish Mustang. The curious lad I am, I followed a short distance. I knew these tow-trucks in the US rush in, pick up, drive a little ways off then firmly attach the vehicle. I waited for this. After the guy stopped, I inquired about the situation. The tow-truck driver said she was moving and he was relocating her car to the new place, by her request. At this point, I woke up.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, I enjoy doing things for people. I'm unsure of what this is - maybe I'm overthinking things. Maybe I am afraid of being 'rejected', no - not maybe. Definitely. Certain things you can shake off from childhood, but rejection... that hurts, deep-down. I still have a long ways to go.


Having spoken to Winston yesterday, it appears he finds himself in a similar situation though maybe not in entirely the same way. I hope I can give him some help/support in his struggles. I'm not sure who can help me with mine, romantic relationships won't help, spending time with friends in leisurely activities won't help either. This is a question I need to answer for myself.

What do I want out of life? If tomorrow I am no longer here, what is the things I would have wanted to do, wanted to have or enjoy in life?

I'm unable to answer that question - I do not know. Dreams are dreams, goals are goals, they are but thoughts and words until I make them true. Are they really what I want? I've always wanted to change the world, in some way, leave a lasting legacy. Maybe that's pride and ignorance talking.

Until recently I haven't given a second thought to relationships but after coming opening "Pandora's Box" as it were, it seems it's awoken something I've repressed and 'given up on' for a long time, chalked it up to being weak. I'm not entirely opposed to the idea of settling down... Can't believe I'm saying this. Agh... I don't know, maybe I need a holiday or 2.

Let's see how this day goes, it's a Sunday after all.


The evening was a little busy. For goals, I did not achieve all work goals I intended - but a goal is something to work towards. Spent some time with friends, I'm not sure if I made 'Apple' laugh but did 'get a smile' out of her though it was not from something I'd expected. I hope I was a good 'friend', though time will tell.

Had some late work meetings, had hoped to finish a project tonight but am too tired to do so, and it's 3am already.

Good night, Mr Bear.

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