A warm Thursday - 23/10/2025

I've become complacent in my duties, in my responsibilities, in myself.

I don't feel the responsibility to be happy, atleast right now and atleast this morning so far. What's been on my mind are 2 things, primarily my relationship issues and work. I'm unable to let go, i believe it's called a 'trauma bond'. That or being co-dependant of some sort. I'm co-dependant on or trauma bonded to C. I'm not in a relationship, I'm in a 'roommate-ship'. What I find myself wanting is to be happier, more content, the ability to pursue what I want, to be able to have casual relationships as I choose with those whom I want.

Right now, I'm sitting in a house, a house I share with C. She is sleeping, I'm at the dining room table writing this. It is going to be a hot day. I hear the clock ticking, some birds here and there but it is quiet. My brother is flying in from Cape Town, back from his year long trip to Gough Island. These thoughts are divided by the picket fence that is work responsibilities, but that I do also have work. I'm fortunate to have these things, a family, a house, food in a fridge, running water, electricity, someone to talk to. C made bran muffins last night, but I had to ask (or make them myself) but asking her doesn't usually result in something. However, if her 'ex' asks her to do something for money, she'd cross boundaries for just a little money.

I feel burned out from work already, the requirement was someone to fix the world but the job is wash a car. I've been applying slowly for new positions, and will continue doing so. Ultimately, it's inside of me to (re)start my own company. I'm disappointed that I did not succeed with my freelancing work, but intend to continue with it again. I've slacked on my community work/projects, I don't seem to have the motivation to do this at the moment.

Coffee does help. I feel hollow, I've picked up alot of weight, I've regressed alot. I feel ashamed of this, I feel ashamed of going into public sometimes as I did well for myself and now I'm back to where I started.

I have some meetings later today which I'm not looking forward to.

--