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Something, somewhere, somehow - 30/12

Woke up this morning, could not find a reason to get up. It is a Saturday after all, why not 'sleep in', but people sleep in who've worked the entire week. Even though I'm supposed to be on a self-allocated 'holiday', I still find myself doing it and hate doing it simultaneously.


While laying in bed, my mind kept going over and over on my misfortune. This comes after watching Kung Fu Panda and A Knight's Tale, 2 favourites of mine. On each mention of 'a man can change his stars', a tear or 2 rolled down my cheek. I wish... I dream of achieving something. Of greatness. Every so often, the thought "who will remember me", a sentiment expressed in a song Helvegen by Wardruna:


Cattle die, kinsmen die

You yourself will also die

I know one thing that never dies

The reputation of those who died


Up until now, I cannot find a single reason why anyone should remember me - nor can I imagine I'd be missed for more than 'a day' - perhaps that's of my own doing.


I know I have some crippling mental issues, I intensely crave approval, I need attention, and constant reassurance but yet cannot take compliments, nor do I wish to be the centre of attention. I wish I could make a connection with someone, but cannot find the words when given the opportunity. I hate it, not dislike or some other fancy word. I hate it. Though, I'm struggling to see a way out.


I started seeing a psychologist for myself, the 'help' was temporary - I fear I am gone beyond and am destined to live and die alone. For the record, why do I say? Waking up several mornings feeling like shit. Still struggling to break free. Still struggling to get any job position... starting your own company just to say you're not self-employed. What about this is winning in the slightest?


My grandmother always said "Knowledge is power" - I dare say I've acquired a good amount of knowledge so far in my life, I didn't go out to parties, I rarely if ever socialised, rarely if ever did sports, etc all because "it doesn't matter" and won't help get into a good university or give good grades. Well fuck. What now? Look where I am. Failed at working, failed in social life in every form, overweight and a complete mess. Some great advice there isn't it, father.


I'd like to think I am somewhat intelligent - maybe I'm just average in that sense too. What have I got going for me... I don't know. Maybe you do because I can't see it. I hope you can see something, somewhere, somehow.


--


In other news, my sense of humour that carried me though some difficult times has abandoned me too, maybe one of my only redeeming qualities might be gone.


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