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Start low, finish high? - 12/1

Diaries or journals are meant as an outlet of one's deepest thoughts, desires, emotions or fears. I do struggle a bit with this. I find myself having to break through several layers of walls. I can open up to someone thinking I just broke through a wall, yet before long I either run into another or build up that previous one due to non-reciprocated feelings.


So, let me try here.


I still wake up in the morning, thinking of 'Apple'. I don't know why or what about but she is in my thoughts, well atleast within the first minute I guess. It hurts a bit. I suppose I'm on the path to 'recovery' and this will happen less over time but I am conflicted.


Having not being intimate with anyone in my life to this point, I suppose one might feel this way about a few people. Yes, I certainly have wanted to spend a night with someone, but this requires talking and getting to know each other first which I seem to have little experience with. Though, this is not a priority for me: these carnal activities, it's something I feel is missing, specifically the entire experience.


I fear that every relationships will end up with either myself, or someone else showing interest in, whereby things will start building and I find a way to backtrack or they lose interest. I know I'm not the only man to have experienced this, but I don't know how others deal with it. Rejection is a powerful emotion which carries through over decades. I suppose the several layers of walls I've built up are for my own protection, even if I try to make myself 'vulnerable' I subconsciously focus on self-preservation. I guess it comes with the territory.


I have a lot to work on myself, from a low self-esteem and self-image, to fear, rejection, past-and-childhood trauma. I could sweep it under the rug and forget about it (let future me deal with it) or deal with it now. I mean, who doesn't like a man going through a struggle. That's the basis for all movies, right?


And I've lost my damn sense of humour!


--


Now that that's out of the way, had a bit of a slow start this morning though have developed a good routine.


I hope to enjoy a hike on a local mountain with my brother tomorrow - we don't have a close relationship but we are there for each other when we need help though neither of us will admit to it.


I have to get out there more, experience more things, new things and face new challenges. I need to grow in experiences rather than 2nd and 3rd hand knowledge.


Today is a day to catch up on this week's backlog, I intend on starting off next week with a clean 'work' slate, working less but more efficiently giving me more time to enjoy things.


--


I hope to move at some point, I've lived in this cocoon for far too long and the ants getting to me, literally. I don't need to make a move, but I need to move - for the sake of growth and experience.


--


Had a weird dream, I seem to collect those from bad experiences with my father. This one was no different. Same old shouting, intimidation, hitting, etc. Here I did start standing up for myself, got hit in the face for it.


The conflict in 'event' and reaction is quite confusing. Going to a "church" meeting while degrading, abusing or scaring your kids then acting like nothing is wrong infront of others, that seems to stay with you.


I noticed I didn't fight back in the dream, but I don't recall having backed down either - that's been the theme of late. Previously it was running away, scared and scarred further. Progress is progress, I guess.


--


Finished off the day in a relatively high note, though probably not the best of days unfortunately.

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