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Struggles, taking the next step - 4/1

Journaling, atleast so far has been quite helpful - I intend to continue as a manner of expression in various aspects.

So, something has been bothering me above all else, unfortunately. Since it's my journal, and my ramblings I should still have an air of 'professionalism' and keep thoughts somewhat concise, I'm not sure I can do it here.

I had to go back to the start of my conversations with 'Apple', to the very beginning. It bothered me how strong she came on, I was and still am skeptical - in the modern age, this is a well-known scamming technique. As time continued, I this started to fade though my suspicions of a motive behind her thoughts and words was still there - the 'angle' was not clear. In the first few weeks, daily greetings and conversations - to feel each other out. Following this, this started slowing down with more single line responses until yesterday. I like to share music I enjoy with others, according to their taste or what they might enjoy. I shared a song, no response. After hanging out with some friends on Star Citizen, I popped into another group. Saw 'Apple' had a new account to chat with. Had the customary greetings with everyone and said 'goodnight', but a good night wouldn't come so easily.

I'd like to say, I'm well aware that this can be for any reason and should not read into this more, yet the back of my mind keeps working on this. Why no responses, why new account, why no more daily messages, why? Unfortunately, my resilience to this kind of attention that has held me for several years has been broken and now I'm left standing in the cold, naked and exposed - that's what it feels like. It bothers me, it should not but it does - it's derailing. I'm having a genuinely tough time with this, is it rejection, is it pain or fear of loss, or is this normal to expect for a while until one 'grows out' of it? Is this something teenagers experience when having crushes, but older people have a tougher time with it?

So many questions, for myself, for her but maybe I should ignore this... take a break so to speak. Try to get into a better state of mind. Yeah, I'll do that.


This decision severely bothers me - I reverted.


I came across an article discussing plans to 'drill into a magma chamber' for improvements in geothermal energy production. My thoughts have been on this for some time, I hoped to be given such an opportunity - maybe I should have gone to Iceland in December past... Alas, we'll see what turns out from these experiments. Hopefully they do some work I may bank on in future. My selfish desire to profit from these ventures seems has morphed into a need to see the world profit from it. I believe Africa is a power-house or resources, talent and potential yet kept it's perpetually kept in the dark due to infighting, and a lack of vision.


The day turned out better than expected, spending time with friends always seems to lift my spirits on a expectantly bad/low day.

I am content.

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