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Turbulence ahead - 2/1

Updated: Jan 3

Ah - the day where the first casualties start showing up, it's a nail-biter to see which of the new year's resolutions make it to the end.

I purposed to make a firm decision, a goal or task each and every day. Be it a self-improvement task, be it an increase in efficiency or maybe even saying 'Hi' to a friend (this would be the outlier and one I need to focus on, it's a bit abnormal but I've been able to do this on and off recently).

Woke up to a dream, this being one where I'm in a video game with some friends. The overall theme that lingers is rejection, still. The part that woke me up was me losing my cool to someone stubborn (the base was under attack or something to that effect). Afterwards, I lay there for a bit to reflect, realising the problem isn't with someone else being stubborn but it was how I found myself reacting. It seems the 'light rebuking' from yesterday over a trivial matter wasn't so much the discussion itself (out of the blue, about cutting down trees in California - out of all topics) but how it made me look to everyone else. (this comes from someone who knows, understands a bit of my past and has experienced some of that themselves - maybe it's something they struggle with too?)

It seems I have alot of work ahead of me, dealing with self-esteem, my personal image, what people think of me and being rejected.

It seems my mind keeps returning to 'Apple', I'm unsure why but there is something that I haven't been able to figure out, she is on my mind alot. I do not have the heart to tell her, for fear of rejection which seems to be an evermore likely scenario as time progresses. We are not the same - hmmm, maybe I'm unsure of who I am. I should figure this out first.


I've found myself listening to the teachings of various stoic philosophers - hesitant as I might be since anyone can hide behind a 'bearded' voice with some AI-based wisdom. Though, I try to take the lessons as they come I'm reluctant on adopting advice from older generations for several reasons: times changes, but more importantly I believe some lessons - good as they may be - are not appropriate nor helpful at certain stages in life and may do more harm than good.

Possibly an argument for this is, invest into long-term stocks, thus one reaps the rewards on old age. This advice might be consumed by someone in financial distress - thus telling someone who has barely 2 cents to spare (regardless of what was the cause of this situation) to invest this instead of buying the more expensive 'work-boots' that will last 3 times longer is some bad advice (at that time).

Today I purpose to spend more time and focus on work efficiency, let's see how this day pans out.


Midday update

Visited mother earlier this morning, she seems to be in a difficult spot, contemplating the future and what lies ahead. I gave insight I've found useful for myself - I hope this could help her. She seems to be concerned with material wealth, but she does not know she is what is most important, pearls, gold rings and all other valuables hold no meaning afterwards, for anyone. I won't remember her by a ring I'd give to my wife - whoever that may be - I'd remember her for how she's helped my brother and I through many difficult periods, countless times over. She was a rock, when we needed one.


It is said one should jot down notes, write your mind to reorganise and clear one's thoughts to be more productive and mindful. So, here it goes. 'Apple' keeps coming back to my mind, it's difficult not to think of her several times a day. I wish we could go back to when it was not. Yet, I'm glad it is for it helps me to improve myself and become a better man, to expect more from myself, to be more resilient, to finally be more sure of self.

Hmm, let's be specific I guess - I miss her laugh, I miss her manner of expression, her caring (in her own way) way and selflessness - she spent time to build me a house, a damn house. I don't know how to say thank you, since saying it several times over doesn't seem to carry over my appreciation (it's about the thought, not the fact it was a hell of a house). I miss talking to her, but yet I had nothing to say. How does one get to know another without talking? She is a wonderful person, I hope to get to know know her more in future.

Okay, back to work.


My productivity waned in the afternoon - it seems I have some work to do when adversity and stress hits me.

I spent some time with friends again, day ended off well. Tomorrow I'll be picking up unfinished worked, then time to get paid.

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